Sorrow: How to survive (& thrive)

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How to survive (& thrive)

Life can blindside us – a sudden loss steals our breath and brings the world crashing down around us.

One of my biggest sorrow in life was when my kind, generous, intelligent, much loved son was arrested by the FBI and facing 20+ years in a Federal prison.

When we experience a moment like that, our first instinct may be to numb the pain or force a smile that says everything is fine. Growing up in the south, we heard “I’m fine” a lot. :/

Especially, in today’s world with a big slant on ‘look at the bright side,’ there’s a pressure to dismiss the pain.

And you will. Eventually.

But not at first.

First you must feel the sorrow… the pain.

When I got the call about my son, I was devastated as his mother.

But as I researched the prison world, I became terrified for him.

Would he even survive?

I had to learn how to deal with the sorrow, or lose my mind in anguish and fear.

Let me share what helped me.

Process the Pain

After hardship hits, take time to cry, scream, journal, walk, meditate – whatever helps you tune inward and experience your feelings.

Don’t fall prey to toxic positivity.

It’s healthy to experience emotions rather than bottle them up. In fact you must if you ever want to move past it.

Give yourself permission to break down. Honor the sorrow. The loss.

After about two weeks, when I realized this was not going away and I had to figure out how to live daily with my grief, I started a morning ritual.

Every morning before beginning my day, I spent about 20-30 minutes writing out all my negative, scary, painful feelings. Oftentimes I would cry.

If I didn’t do this, I carried those emotions with me all day. By taking the time to feel and process my sorrow, I was able to contain it somewhat.

I say ‘somewhat’ because of course some days were better than others.

Moving Past the Sorrow

There is no ‘right’ time to move on. Everyone is different. Every experience is different.

It may take a week. A month. A year, or years.

I honestly don’t remember how long it took me with this particular sorrow.

I do remember at some point deciding that no matter what happened, it would be OK. We would figure out how to survive and thrive as a family.

Steps to Help:

Find Community – This can bring tremendous peace. My friend who lost her beloved son to suicide, found a group of parents who lost their children the same way.

I hired a prison coach who helped navigate what to expect. And quite frankly, who just listened and gently advised when I was so scared I could barely breathe. If your sorrow is about a loved one abusing drugs/alcohol, find a support group.

Journal – First you might only journal about your pain, but to help heal, you can also do gratitude journaling, reflection insights, and other therapeutic writing.

Deep Breathing – This will physically and emotionally settle your brain and your body. Breathe deep thru your nose for 4 counts. Hold 4 counts. Breathe out thru your mouth 4 counts. Hold 4 counts. Repeat. I’ve added this to my morning ritual because it’s so helpful. I do it 10x in the morning. And then as needed during the day.

A shoutout to my amazing sister for teaching me the healing properties of deep breathing.

Find Purpose from Your Sorrow – When you’re ready, look for meaning in your hardship. How can you grow wiser and more compassionate from this? Can you help others experiencing a similar situation?

One of the most famous example of transforming hurt into service, is John Walsh. After his son was abducted and killed, he spent his life helping recover missing children.

Tracy, after going through a difficult divorce, built an online business helping other women navigate the divorce process through her blog, WomansDivorce.

Suffering is woven into life’s tapestry.

The only way out is through. By diving into the depths of pain, we can emerge renewed.

I love you.

Please treat yourself and your sorrow with gentle reverence.

Release any bitterness.

Do not let this tragedy define you.

You will survive. And thrive… WHEN you’re ready, and IF you’ll allow it.

xo, Sugar

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